The Perils of Perfectionism

“I am definitely not perfect. But I have learned in therapy that I don’t have to be. All I have to be is persistent. Each day I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Slowly, I am replacing perfectionism with persistence. After all, in recovery and in life, it is persistence that pays off. Forget about perfection.”

– Jenni Schaefer, Life Without Ed

Recovering from an eating disorder is both a beautiful and painful process. In liberating oneself from the chains of a self-destructive, unsustainable coping mechanism that masks our authentic selves, we are free to rediscover who we truly are. There is great excitement in discovering one’s passions and hobbies and feeling one’s emotions again- but not having an eating disorder as a coping mechanism anymore also opens one up to vulnerability, and this can be very scary. Without an eating disorder to hide behind, we have to experience painful emotions and deal with the underlying issues that led us to developing eating disorders in the first place.

One of my underlying issues? Perfectionism.

I once heard the quote: “Perfectionism is not a desire to succeed; it is a fear of failure”. I couldn’t agree more. It is a valuable quality to chase after your dreams with passion and determination but if it is done with a constant fear of falling short, of not being good enough, of feeling like your self-worth depends on external accomplishments- that is no way to live, and it is not sustainable in the long run.

I am free from my eating disorder for the most part, but I am not free from feeling like I am never “good enough”. I am finding that unless I deal with this fear of failure, I will never truly be free. Recovery isn’t defined by changing the way you eat, just like an eating disorder isn’t all about the food- recovery is about changing the way you view yourself and your place in this world. It is about learning to believe that you are good enough, just the way you are. It is about believing that you are worthy of love, respect, and happiness- inherently, as a human being, and not because of something that you accomplished or how your accomplishments measure up to other people.

Overcoming perfectionism doesn’t happen overnight, but just like with the more physical aspects of recovery, we can do our best to take it one day at a time. When I hear the voice inside telling me I’m not good enough, I talk back to it- just like I talk back to disordered thoughts about food- and remind myself that I am doing the best that I can and that is what matters. I try to talk to myself as I would talk to a friend- would you consider a friend or family member a failure if he/she didn’t achieve a perfect grade on an exam, or would you say, “you did your best and that’s what counts?” Why do you love your friends? Is it because they are “perfect”? No, it’s not- in fact, perfection is boring!

“Imperfection” is where uniqueness stems from and “imperfection” is where growth happens.

If you want to learn more about the connection between overcoming your eating disorder and overcoming perfectionism, I highly recommend Jenni Schaefer’s book, Goodbye Ed, Hello Me. She has a whole chapter on overcoming perfectionism and discusses how striving for excellency and not perfection has changed her life.