Lately, I’ve been feeling pretty lonely, and I couldn’t quite figure out why. I have amazing friends, good relationships with my extended family, and my parents are even in town. On top of that, I’m at school every day and have friends in my classes, too.And yet I still felt all alone.
For those of you who follow my blog you will know that I’ve been going through a bit of a rough patch in my recovery, but you wouldn’t know it if you missed some of my posts online.
I don’t talk about my struggles or eating disorder with people.
I have no problem posting about it online, writing about it, tweeting about it, but I don’t really talk about it.
There are many reasons for this: part of me thought people wouldn’t understand, part of me thought people would judge me or lose respect for me, and part of me was just too proud. And so I kept it to myself. And so that’s how I felt: all by myself.
It’s an interesting thing when you are ‘with’ people but you aren’t really sharing with them. You talk, but you don’t really talk.
You maybe throw out a few vague statements like “oh, it’s just been a rough week” or “you know…life stuff” – but this doesn’t constitute sharing. And while I understand that you don’t need to share everything with everyone, I’m beginning to realize the importance of sharing with someone. And, no, by this I do not mean dump everything on the same person (this is both unfair to them, and can be destructive to you), what I mean is that you do need to make sure you share what is going on.
I realized that the reason I was afraid to share my recent struggles with eating disorder recovery was that I feared my friends who haven’t dealt with an eating disorder wouldn’t understand.
There is some truth to that. Someone who hasn’t gone through an eating disorder wouldn’t understand the stress that comes with Thanksgiving or why getting offered a free brownie at Starbucks may lead to a certain level of anxiety. However, you never know how people will respond until you try talking to them.
In addition, opening up to someone doesn’t always have to be for the purpose of getting advice or even understanding; sometimes opening up is just simply about that: opening up.
Once I realized the source of my loneliness, I decided to start reaching out.
Here are the steps I took:
First, I began reaching out to those in my eating disorder recovery community
I reached out to those who have gone through an eating disorder and who can relate to what I am going through. It is no secret that there is a special bond between those of us who have spent time with an eating disorder. Just because I am on the ‘recovered’ side of recovery, that doesn’t mean I don’t still have my eating disorder moments – and keeping them to myself is what made me feel so isolated, so I’ve finally started reaching out.
Related: Asking for Help in Eating Disorder Recovery
**I must make a quick note here to say that, in my experience, when building a support community, it helps to do so with others who are in the same or similar place in recovery as you are. If you lean on those who are further behind you, then you may be triggering to them, and if you lean on those who are too far ahead of you, then they may trigger you (or vice versa)
Second, I decided to give my friends a chance at understanding.
I wrote an open letter to my friends explaining where I am at with my recovery and what that means on a day-to-day basis. I explained why sometimes I need to stay away from certain situations/events, why sometimes I ‘disappear’, and also talked about conversations that are triggering for me. As soon as I wrote that letter I already began feeling better and more connected.
Finally, I decided to start talking about my recovery.
I am tired of treating the words ‘eating disorder‘ or ‘trigger‘ or ‘recovery‘ as if they are taboo; I am bringing this language back. And though on a bad day I realize I don’t need to turn to the barista and say “I’m just having a really bad day with my eating disorder recovery” when she asks how I am; what I do need to do, though, is be honest with my friends when I am just not feeling up to hanging out, or when I feel going out to eat is just not a good idea on that particular day, or when I am just feeling overwhelmed.
Closing Thoughts
I think I’ve just felt so trapped and ashamed because I backed myself into this corner where I wouldn’t allow myself to talk about my eating disorder recovery. And so I felt isolated and alone.
But I am done with that now. I am going to start talking because I want to feel connected, not isolated.
If you are feeling alone in recovery, I encourage you to reach out.
Join a recovery community that will build you up and be honest with your friends–you may be surprised how much they will understand.
You never know how many people are there to listen to you until you start talking.
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wow, your post is so inspirational. i feel the exact same way you're feeling. it's unbearable to me. i hate it. i never understood why i felt so lonely….i always feel like theres something empty in my heart. and i think its because im ashamed of my feelings, struggles, pain, even with my 'recovery' on social anxiety and i wouldnt think others would understand me…which is so sad cuz humans are, i believe, innately understanding creatures. but reading this post kinda opened my eyes to a new beginning, new and greater connections with others. thank you for posting this. i feel motivated to tell my friend who i know has social anxiety and tell her where im going at and to be completely honest with her. 🙂
Thank you so much for the comment – I am so glad you found this post helpful and encouraging and that it inspired you to talk to your friend! -Lauren B.