Sharing My Anxiety and Eating Disorder Story

I remember the first day I opened my journal, took out my pen, and wrote the words “Freedom from silence.” In the pages to follow came scribbles and scrawls of a rough attempt at vocalizing strong memories. Those grammatically flawed paragraphs became concrete expressions of my life with an eating disorder. The raw truth was finally exposed; my bubble had burst and, in doing so, a recovered life was beginning.

Sharing my story left me vulnerable and naked.

My eating disorder had been my little secret and my own world. It had become an extension of how I perceived myself and part of my identity. By exposing it to the world, I was shedding its layer.

Before, by continuing to keep the battles hidden, I could still hide from the world. I could be “safe” in my little cave even if it was an illusion.

By staying silent, part of my mind was still the mind of my eating disorder.

Until I let it go, I was preventing the present moments from existing and not allowing the future to blossom.

Writing on Libero Network and being an active participant in its community helped me in my recovery journey. A year ago, my day still consisted of routines and rituals. Even though I was “in recovery,” I was ill and it was taking a toll on my family and friends to keep me focused on recovery. But after joining the team and telling my story, I felt both mentally and physically stronger in my journey.

The more I shared, the louder my voice became and the stronger I was to physically and mentally fight the illness. I was now accountable for my actions.

Being honest about my past has also shown me how people are more accepting than I had thought.

Someone recently asked me why I had missed a year of school. Instead of hiding the truth, I honestly told him that I had taken a year off to recover from mental health issues; mainly anxiety and anorexia. To my amazement, instead of ostracizing me, he became my friend, seeing past my past and seeing me for who I was today.

His acceptance allowed me to accept my own mistakes. He let me see that it does not matter where we have been, but only who we are today. Our innate values do not change because of events that happen to us. Instead, we become stronger, braver, and ready to fight for another day of freedom.

Exposing my secrets allowed me to be more open to others as well.

As eating disorders are isolating diseases, reintegrating with society was not easy. In a community like engineering, where people are close-knit, it was hard for me to associate with others simply because I didn’t know how to hold a conversation.

Embracing my social anxiety helped me embrace my community and I began to shed my shell. I welcomed the chance to begin a new life, free from long-lasting routines and rituals.

I never believed I could be in a place where I am now. Yes, ten years later, I have accepted my eating disorder openly and willingly. Speaking the words “I am in recovery from anorexia” reminds me my past does not define who I am.

Yes, we all suffer through the choices we make, but we will not fall victim to their consequences.

It would be devastating to disregard what has been created in the growth process. It is criminal to forget. It is in telling our stories that open our hearts to tomorrow.