It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when an eating disorder started, and my anorexia is no exception. I can certainly remember specific times that my eating habits began to change, but the mindset that I think really defines an eating disorder, I cannot pinpoint.
I remember one specific incident when I was visiting my sister at college for my spring break. We went to the dining court, and rather than my usual pizza or pasta without veggies, I decided to get a stir-fry. It seemed like a good idea, to everyone including myself because I was trying new foods.
I didn’t know it at the time, but this is the first time I made a decision to eat something because of it’s nutrition value. At this point it wasn’t really because it was lower in calories, it was the fact that it was vegetables and “healthy”…
Once I started restricting though, I would compare it to jogging down a steep hill.
Before you know it, you’re running faster and faster and you can’t stop. Quickly my mindset got more and more extreme.
It never occurred to me that I could have an eating disorder until my sister researched therapists and had my mom get me an appointment. I remember walking out of the therapist’s office, getting in the car, and asking my mom if the therapist was right, if I actually had an eating disorder.
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I finally connected my actions with my eating disorder, and it made sense. The recovery process began then, as I was able to see my eating disorder for what it was.
Recovery was and still is a rough road, but more worth it than anything I have ever done.
And I am extremely grateful for my sister and my parents for supporting me through it.
The recovery process was hard. There’s no getting around it, it is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Fighting against a mindset that has had such power over you for so long and doing exactly the opposite of what your mind is telling you day after day is hard, but I assure you, it does get easier. First little by little, then more quickly.
Things that were once totally off limits will become everyday foods. I know that was scary to even think about for me, but now that I am there it is not scary at all.
Things are much better now, my recovery is strong, and I am happier than ever.
Sure there are hard days, days when I hear the eating disorder more than others, but they have gotten fewer and farther between. If you’re in this now know that it gets easier, and the thoughts you have will get less, and you have the power not to let them dictate your actions.
Recovery is worth it, and you are capable. You are worth it.
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Originally published March 15, 2013 on our old Tumblr Blog
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