My name is Jessica and I am good enough exactly as I am.
I am proud to be able to say that and mean it, because for many years I was unbearably uncomfortable in my own skin. I was a prisoner trapped in a body I hated, I was tortured by a constant bombardment of negative and worry thoughts in my mind, and I felt a profound emptiness within my soul, as if there was a hole in my chest where my heart should have been.
I struggled with anxiety, depression, and eating disorders.
Anxiety entered my life at a young age in the form of constant worry, and I had my first anxiety attack at our third grade class poetry night. I was about to read my poem aloud when suddenly my heart started pounding, my breathing became rapid and frantic, and I became paralyzed with fear. That was the beginning of a long series of anxiety attacks that arose from performance anxiety and social anxiety.
My anxiety attacks were terrifying and shameful.
I lived in constant fear of a panic attack coming on so strongly and unexpectedly, and I felt humiliated that I couldn’t control my own body or emotions.
Shame over my anxiety combined with seven years of ongoing trauma led me to develop depression and low self-esteem…
At age 12, restricting my caloric intake became an outlet for my anxiety. Instead of worrying about if I was “good enough” in a million different ways, I channeled my anxiety into a very simple, concrete equation: if I was thin and restricted my food intake I was a good person. I felt like I had regained control over my body- control that had been stolen from me by my anxiety attacks and traumatic events.
Of course, the feeling of being in control didn’t last long. My mood and self-esteem became controlled by the scale and no number was ever low enough. At age 13 my body couldn’t handle the deprivation anymore and I began to binge. I binged every night for a year, feeling more out of control than ever, until I returned to restricting and added compulsive exercise. I had no period, my hair was falling out in clumps, I was severely depressed, and I became addicted to self-harm.
At age 15 I felt completely hopeless. I wrote a suicide note and planned to end my life.
Thankfully, my family intervened and I was sent to a psychiatric hospital where I was diagnosed for the first time with depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder. I was put on medication and began to learn coping skills to deal with my complex emotions without resorting to self-destructive behaviors.
This was the beginning of a long journey to understand myself, heal from the past, and move on to a brighter future.
I was an intelligent, passionate, kind-hearted person with a lot of potential- I just needed to learn to love and believe in myself.
Following my hospitalization, I started going to therapy regularly and practicing my new coping skills. I quit self-harming, my anxiety attacks became few and far between, and performance anxiety ceased to be an issue altogether as I faced my fear over and over again until I became a confident public speaker. I also excelled in high school and came out to my family and friends as bisexual, which was a huge step in the right direction towards self-acceptance and living a life of authenticity.
Unfortunately, my eating disorder had a strong grip on me even as I learned to manage my depression and anxiety.
Although it had started as a reaction to anxiety, my eating disorder had taken on a life of its own over the years and undernourishing my body had become my normal.
In 2010 after my freshman year of college, I finally decided to seek help for my eating disorder. I entered a partial hospitalization program and started seeing a dietitian regularly. I maintained my recovery for a year and a half, until I relapsed and entered residential treatment in September 2012. Going to residential treatment and giving up my eating disorder behaviors completely was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but it was the most rewarding.
Today I am weight-restored and do not engage in eating disordered behaviors.
I am not fully recovered, but for the first time I can say with complete honesty that both my body and mind are in a healthy place and I have made a commitment to never give up on my health and happiness.
My mental health issues and the shame that once surrounded them no longer control my life.
I will graduate college in December 2013 and I can’t wait to see what life has to offer me now that I am free.
