Eating Disorders

Recovery is a Series of Choices

Recovery is a Series of Choices | Libero Magazine
It’s no secret that recovery from an Eating Disorder is hard. And it hurts. A lot. It takes unimaginable amounts of strength, willpower, tears, and patience, among other things.

Before you start reading...

Support our nonprofit magazine!

We are a nonprofit. Please support our work by giving $2 towards this article!

$
Select Payment Method
Personal Info

Credit Card Info
This is a secure SSL encrypted payment.
Terms

Donation Total: $2

{amount} donation plus {fee_amount} to help cover fees.


Halfway through a bowl of ice cream, an abrupt, yet familiar, feeling of anxiety was attempting to take control over me. All of a sudden, I became overwhelmingly aware of my body. I could focus on nothing but the folds and creases on my belly resulting from my sitting position, the space I was taking up, and the weight of my being on this planet.

By then I knew very well what was coming: a horrible sensation of claustrophobia, of being trapped, just because of the mere fact that I had to exist inside a body. My first reaction presented itself as a desperate urge to throw the remaining ice cream away; and it was right at that moment when I realized exactly what had to be done. So I went ahead and finished my dessert.

It’s no secret that recovery from an Eating Disorder is hard.

And it hurts. A lot. It takes unimaginable amounts of strength, willpower, tears, and patience, among other things. Furthermore, there was a time when the situation became even more painful and more confusing than it was at the beginning. I had reached the point where I was physically healthy; I was no longer in starvation mode, my organs were healing, my metabolism was getting back on track, and so on, but I was still struggling mentally.

Recovery is a Series of Choices | Libero Magazine

I’ve learned bodies usually heal faster than minds.

During the earliest stage of my recovery, the main focus was the urgency for me to stay alive. Once I had accepted to receive help, I kept reassuring myself, thinking it was OK to eat because my body was shutting down. In other words, I was sick enough to deserve food.


Are you enjoying this article? We are a nonprofit and depend on donations to keep running. If you are enjoying this article, would you consider making a $2 donation?

$
Select Payment Method
Personal Info

Credit Card Info
This is a secure SSL encrypted payment.
Terms

Donation Total: $2

{amount} donation plus {fee_amount} to help cover fees.


Later on, however, when I was looking more human and less like a zombie, the violent, disordered voice inside my head took the opportunity to make me wonder if I still needed all the food. “You’re normal again, it’s time for some discipline,” she said.

No one was watching me as closely as before, no one was keeping track of my intake or physical activity anymore. I could have easily lied my way back into my sickness. I was on my own.

The thing is though, dishonesty would have only ended up hurting me and the people I love, obviously, and I was done.

I was done being the cause of anyone’s pain, including my own.

I was tired of this constant battle–me against my body–in which no one would ever win. Therefore, stronger than the temptation to relapse was my determination to run as far away as I could from Anorexia’s cold embrace. My illness used to be my comfort zone, my “safe” place, as twisted as that might sound, and my defense mechanism.

Even so, I knew I only had two options: I could either stay and fight or walk away and let it kill me. Recovery is like wandering through the darkest of tunnels, not knowing what might be in it, how long it’s going to be, or if there will ever be a light at the end. But you keep going nonetheless, because you’d rather face the unknown than go back to the certainty of death.

For a long time, I kept going through recovery because I wanted to protect my family from my disease, not because I really wanted to let it go. I was still, in a way, hanging on to my Eating Disorder, knowing that I could go back whenever I felt like it.

But it was at this point that it dawned on me: I wasn’t just doing it for them anymore, I was finally willing to do it for myself. I was all in. This realization changed everything, and I started reassessing the real reasons why I wanted to heal.

I wanted recovery.

I wanted my life back more than I had ever wanted anything.

From that moment forward I decided to be completely honest about my recovery, yes, with everybody, but first and foremost with myself. No cheating, no excuses.

I am proud to say I have managed to keep it that way. It has not been easy at all, it never is. I make mistakes, a lot of them and very frequently. Be that as it may, I keep moving forward, in spite of my bruises and constant exhaustion. I push through the bad days–or cry, or scream, or punch some pillows–and I enjoy the good days immensely, because I have those too, and lots of them. After all, that’s just life, isn’t it?

The decision to recover is not a one-time thing, but more like a series of choices one must face every day.

It would be easy to lie about how committed I am, but why would I do that? It’s completely useless; for I know there is absolutely no chance I would ever fool myself.

So is the anorectic voice inside my head telling me to skip the pizza and go for a salad instead? Well then, I should definitely have the pizza, along with some chocolate ice cream on a big, fat brownie. That will piss her off. Most importantly, it will set me free.

Tweet this post:

Regina is a painter, musician, photographer, and Fine Arts student. She was born and raised in Cancun, Mexico. Regina has lived with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder since she was a child, struggled with an Eating Disorder all through her adolescence and was diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder. She is currently looking to help other people struggling with mental illness in any way she can, especially through her writing and art pieces.

If you enjoyed this article, please donate $2

As a nonprofit, we rely on donations to keep our magazine and community running. If you enjoyed this article, please consider donating:

$
Select Payment Method
Personal Info

Credit Card Info
This is a secure SSL encrypted payment.
Terms

Donation Total: $2

{amount} donation plus {fee_amount} to help cover fees.


Report ad as harmful | Ad Policy
Don't Like Seeing Ads? We are a nonprofit and ads are one way we raise money to keep our site and projects going. If you don't like to see ads on our site, signup for monthly donations and help us fully fund ourselves through donations!

The opinions and information shared in this article may not represent that of Libero Network Society. We hold no liability for any harm that may incur from reading content on our site. Please always consult your own medical professionals before making any changes to your medication, activities, or recovery process.

Support our nonprofit magazine + community!

Donate to Libero Magazine

We are a nonprofit. Please help us continue to champion mental health by making a donation!

Donate to Libero Magazine

$
Select Payment Method
Personal Info

Credit Card Info
This is a secure SSL encrypted payment.
Terms

Donation Total: $25 One Time

{amount} donation plus {fee_amount} to help cover fees.

Subscribe

Become a Patron!

Support Libero for $5 a Month

We are a nonprofit. Support our magazine by signing up for monthly donations!

0 of 20 donors

Support Libero for $5 a Month

0 of 20 donors

Though other online publications are starting to charge monthly subscriptions for their content, as a nonprofit, we want our articles to be available free of charge. This means we rely on ongoing donations to keep our magazine running and our website growing.

If you enjoy our content, please sign up to support us monthly! (you can change your mind at any time)

$ 5
Monthly
Select Payment Method
Personal Info

Credit Card Info
This is a secure SSL encrypted payment.
Terms

Donation Total: $5 Monthly

{amount} donation plus {fee_amount} to help cover fees.

What are you ‘Free from’?

Micaela: Free from Shame | Libero Magazine 1

Report ad as harmful | Ad Policy

Don't Like Seeing Ads? We are a nonprofit and ads are one way we raise money to keep our site and projects going. If you don't like to see ads on our site, signup for monthly donations and help us fully fund ourselves through donations!

Do you blog about mental health?

SITE DISCLAIMER

The opinions and information shared in this article or any other Content on our site may not represent that of Libero Network Society. We hold no liability for any harm that may incur from reading content on our site. Please always consult your own medical professionals before making any changes to your medication, activities, or recovery process. Libero does not provide emergency support. If you are in crisis, please call 1-800-784-2433 or another helpline or 911.

Report ad as harmful | Ad Policy

Don't Like Seeing Ads? We are a nonprofit and ads are one way we raise money to keep our site and projects going. If you don't like to see ads on our site, signup for monthly donations and help us fully fund ourselves through donations!
Micaela: Free from Shame | Libero Magazine 1 Send us your story! [click here] or post your “Free from___” photo on Instagram and tag us: @liberomagazine!