Anorexia. What is it? Why do people have it? Where does it all stem from? Is it neurological? Is it genetic? Or is it just for insecure little girls who get pressured by boys, the media, the outside world, and these perfectly sculpted models and athletes on magazine covers and television programs?
I want to know all the little answers to these questions and details, so I can help myself and others like me. I know by doing this I can stab my eating disorder in the back!
I call my eating disorder Polly. She used to seem like my best friend: the only one I could rely on and the only one who had been there with me through thick and thin. A figure of my imagination, this perfect little figure telling me right from wrong, all these things I needed to fix and do.
I have been at both ends of the scale in the past, both under- and overweight, battling with my feelings, thoughts, and body image for years.
I punished myself with food when I was depressed in my early childhood and early and middle teens. I also cut myself, abused alcohol, and made myself sick to get rid of the feeling of fullness…
When I was cutting, I felt in control. When I was binge drinking, I felt invincible. I didn’t care about the embarrassment I caused myself, as I didn’t feel like it, or I, mattered. I just wanted to keep feeling numb and punishing myself, as that’s all I felt I deserved.
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I constantly felt not good enough, worthless, and like everyone around me had done so much more and so much better.
Polly has brought out a jealous, competitive, insecure, and determined side in me I never knew I had.
I have been to many dieticians, outpatient appointments, and monthly support groups with the threat of going to an inpatient ward.
With the help of my supports I started to understand through the fog that Polly was not my best friend and I was not in control. I soon began to let go of my eating disorder, learning to like food and life again.
My main purpose of writing this blog is to share my feelings, let them out, and hopefully help others by doing so. Maybe I am not a big success story, but I am getting there and I do realize now that I am good enough.
I deserve to live and I am meant for something. I will succeed with everything I set out to do.
I hope people realize that it is never too late to recover. Speaking out, writing poems, and going to support groups has really helped me in recovery, as there are many inspirational and beautiful people in the world willing to help and understand you.
I believe I will always struggle with food, but I won’t let it stop me and overpower me again to the point that it did.
I believe there is hope out there for all of us. We will get where we want to be and defeat the demons in our heads. We can change the thoughts in our heads and make them like us instead.
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Originally published September 13, 2013 on our old Tumblr blog.
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