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Last January, I started to think about suicide. Something I did that month broke my parents’ trust down to nothing. I dated a guy behind their backs, simply because he was kind to me. I thought maybe through this person, who convinced me he was head over heels in love with me, maybe I could finally begin to heal, maybe things would get better. That maybe, just maybe, everything would work out, and even though I knew deep down what the consequences would be, I did it anyways. And for that, I am sorrowfully regretful.
One quick side-note: I didn’t date this guy because I wanted to ‘rebel’ against my parents, be ‘popular,’ or anything like that.
I did it because I thought I could use him to heal the parts of me that are broken.
I was so wrong to use him that way. It was selfish of me, and I feel overwhelming guilt about that, too. I wasn’t the only one who was broken; he was hurting a lot, too, and had the need for love, just like me.
But we were seeking love and approval from the wrong place, from the wrong person, and at the wrong time.
Only God can help us be healed, be saved, be whole. And I am praying that one day, he finds God just like I am beginning to find now. God is the way to heal, not a relationship of compliments and fruitless promises neither of us could ever be trusted to keep.
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Because of my actions, I couldn’t go to my usual high school anymore.
I was pulled out of my high school, not only because I disobeyed my parents in a way I’ve never done before, but because I also was feeling depressed. I felt authentically dead inside, like there was nothing I could do to escape that horrible feeling of despair and hopelessness.
And it all started with the deception.
That’s really all it took. A single lie killed all trust that was ever built up. My parents didn’t believe I was remorseful; they just thought for a while I was just mad that I got caught. I’m being completely honest when I say I WAS mad: at myself, at the way I had so carelessly let my own bad decision threaten a relationship with my family. Over what? A guy who said I was pretty?
Why did I believe it was the right choice?
I was so compelled by his compliments because since I was thirteen, I believed no one would ever fall in love with me. But he was different. For some strange reason I could not fathom, he actually authentically believed I was beautiful. It didn’t make me feel whole, but it made me feel something real.
It wasn’t worth the pain that followed.
I’ve thought about suicide about five or six times after everything that happened in January. But I’ve never thought about how I would do it or if I could bring myself to ever actually do it. I was too scared to put any of it into action.
I’m glad I didn’t go through with it because I’m here, alive and scar free, writing this for you to read! Amen, amiright?
Over time though, I got over those thoughts. And with support from family and friends, I learned to share my feelings in a better way. I’m also trying to work on my bad-habits, and I’m gradually gaining trust.
Sometimes I still feel the need to sulk. I’m not going to lie, there are days still where I just want to hide under my covers and sleep all day. It’s true. Even though I am on a pathway to being happy again, there are times I want to turn back. I can’t explain why. I’m sure some of you who are reading might feel the same sometimes, and I’m happy I can let you know you’re not alone! Because you aren’t alone!
I know all of us desire to be free from what weighs us down and makes life sometimes hard to bear. I want you to know–if you don’t already–that God can help with that. God can just take all of that baggage, that guilt, that pain we have all away. All we have to do is ask and forgive ourselves.
If we don’t forgive ourselves, if we continue to lie about how we really feel, we’ll never get over these stumbling blocks life puts out for us.
I want to be free from the lies. I want to stop shutting people out. I want to go out and talk to my parents about whatever is troubling me on those bad days. It all begins with Jesus. I want to pray with Him and develop a spiritual, close relationship to better build my relationship with others. First I have to let everything go. And that might be difficult, it might just seem impossible sometimes.
If I could give you any advice, you have to give it all to God. He’ll love you, no matter what you’ve done. God’s love is a strong, amazing thing.
I am thankful for my amazing supporters: God, my friends, my family, and you! Yes, you! Thank you for taking the time to read my story! And I am praying for your recovery, too, whatever it is you or someone you know is going through. I am praying for you. I love you; God loves you!
I am free from lies and becoming free from guilt–and that is worth rejoicing!
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