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I had some great reflection time last night and some more reflection time earlier this morning and I started to get to this awkward point.
One of my resolutions/goals for 2011 was to be more open about who I am, what I have gone through, and the struggles I have faced. It was interesting because as I am slowly going through my progression in depression the more and more fearful I become of:
A. What people will think
B. If I should be sharing this
C. If I comfortable sharing this
It was a weird feeling because when I was at this phase in my depression in early October more and more I began to feel uncomfortable. I felt like I was an annoyance, like no one wanted me around at all. So it was interesting today to feel that again.
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After about 2 minutes of remembering what going through this was like I decided that it is in my best interest to post about this.
The first thing that started happening was my inability to find enjoyment in anything and I mean anything – friends, video games, TV, reading, school, family… I found enjoyment in nothing.
My thoughts were consumed 24/7 with trying to figure out what was wrong.
I remember this one night I was at my soccer game and no matter what I was doing I could not focus on the game. After warm up all I could think about was my College Pro issues and why I was having trouble in school. Then the coach went to put me in and I could not even get stretched or get my brain around playing a game of soccer.
Eventually I played the last 20 minutes and I do not think I have ever been so mentally fatigued before just trying to NOT focus on other stuff.
My issue with College Pro started to take a different turn at this point because I had no idea what I was going to do so luckily my dad got involved.
There is nothing wrong with asking help when you feel like you’re trapped in a corner.
At the same time it was almost humiliating that I had to ask my dad for help. I know I am young, I know I have a lot of growing up to do, but it was still embarrassing to even ask my dad to help me from getting into some deep trouble. But I asked for help anyways.
October was also the time I started going to therapy. The interesting thing about my first meeting was I showed up there after my previous meeting dressed to the nines, tie, dress shirt, black socks, dress shoes and dress pants.
I walked into the room and we started talking. There is one thing you need to understand about me: I can hide my emotions well and make anyone believe I am doing alright.
I am a decent salesmen and that reflects in my personal life; through this depression I started to ‘sell’ the person I wanted to be instead of who I was.
The reason my first visit to therapy was so interesting was because I sat there and this counselor looked at me and said, “Well you look like you have it all together, this should just be a few sessions and then everything will be fine. Just fill out this depression test and we will go from there”.
I sat there for a while and wrote this test and at this point, while I was going through the questions, I began to accept that, YES, I was actually depressed.
I felt this sense of relief through that admittance because I realized I had a problem and that I was finally getting help for it and everything was going to get better that exact moment. Not true those next few weeks were about the toughest in my life.
I got this instant relief that yes I am finally going to be getting help, I am going to be improving, but that was not the case.
When I walked out of the doctor’s office life was back to ‘normal’ for me. I began realizing everything I was not doing, everything I was failing at, everyone I was constantly letting down and the mistakes I was always making.
If anyone is going through depression that is reading this, please talk to someone NOW, not later, because in my case it was about 2 months a little too late.
As those weeks went on I honestly want to say things got better, that things improved and that my life was starting to get back on track. But those next few weeks were the toughest of my life.
I do not know exactly how to describe those weeks and I do not even know what words I would use to describe them.
I felt helpless and completely alone to the point where I wanted to isolate myself.
I sat there everyday hoping someone would text me, call me or make contact with me just so I did not have to be alone again. But I was alone and felt that was the only way thing should be. I believed I deserved to be alone because of my failures, because of my lets downs, and because I was a screw up. Those were the darkest weeks I have had to face.
But those feelings didn’t last forever. The point of this is not to tell you that recovering from depression is horrible–the point is to tell you that eventually things did get better.
I know it’s hard at first, the first stages are always rough, but I encourage you to press on because even though it’s not easy, it does get easier.
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