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I feel like my blog becomes a thing and maintains a structure for a period of time until I lose my way and wonder what I’m doing here and why and for how long and when and where will the thoughts find their place?
What am I here to say? What is my purpose? And how are my thoughts conveyed?
When writing, I use a simple version of Grammarly for punctuation, verb use, etc. The software recently began to suggest a piece’s tone and illustrates with an emoji along with a few adjectives/adverbs. When I recently finished writing, Grammarly rated the piece as “sad” and wow, that surprised me. Because while I’m definitely sad now and then, I’m predominantly hopeful, and I want the messages I send to reflect that.
So I decided to take a step back and determine what the hell I’m doing, or not doing, as the case may be.
The action began when a wise woman advised that I ‘figure out what I want to do’ before I take another step. That’s just it. I take a step to the left, then the right, forward, to the left, backward, diagonal, step, step, step…to what? What’s the beat, where’s the rhythm?
So I went all the way back to who I was when I was a kid, what I wanted and how I thought I’d get there. Ideals. Ideas.
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All the way back to the kid who loved to take pictures and write stories.
The message is gathered from the entire story, the details found in the chapters.
I’ll pack up my Jeep and leave, just leave. I’ll head west and make my way to my kid on the other side of the world (might as well be) for a time. I’ll take only what I need and sleep under the stars every night, bathe in the rivers, and listen to whispers in the trees.
I’ll take you with me. We’ll see what happens. Maybe Grammarly will weigh in.
For the past two years, I’ve been chasing an ideal as if I have to have some kind of title to be whole. Like I have to serve some kind of specific purpose when my entire life has a purpose.
My entire life has meaning, through the good and the bad, through the bullshit and the truth.
What’s the rush? What’s the hurry? Why do I insist I do something I’m not even sure I want to do? Who am I? Who are you?
I think I’ll just be me, Diana, the layered person who has never squandered a moment and won’t start now. It has become profoundly more important to be my authentic self and live an authentic life than it is to chase that title.
Thanks for coming to my existential crisis. See you August 1st, after I remove the metaphorical masks.
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