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Editor's Note: We are a non-religious magazine. However, we acknowledge that spirituality is an important part for some. Our Faith column is a place for anyone to discuss how faith positively affects their mental health and how to improve the conversation around mental health within faith communities.
I have always had an open, no-holds-barred relationship with God. I keep nothing from Him, hide no thoughts, and I don’t sugar coat anything. I believe He loves me, every day, without condition, in every state. Even when I’m sad, selfish, bitchy, or unappreciative, I know that God is there, ever watchful, always listening.
Today, I am angry with God.
I have struggled with this emotion when it comes to my relationship with the Lord. In some ways, it feels wrong, as if it’s not allowed, not acceptable. I worry that I am somehow less of a believer, for how could I feel any type of malevolence towards Him?
These past few weeks have seen much strife brought to my life and my marriage. My husband was completely blindsided at work, and lost the job he’s been working towards for almost two years. He barely had a real chance, and was only two months into the position before they let him go.
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I have never been able to accept or handle my husband’s disappointment, especially when it is in himself. He is sad and hurting and scared and I want to fix it, but I know I can’t. I can be there for him, be his anchor as he has been mine many times over, but I can’t take the loss away, not completely.
To say that his job loss has hit us hard financially would be an understatement. I know money talk makes people uncomfortable, but we really don’t have any money to talk about. I am taking every day one bill, one payment at a time.
That’s as much as I can do before the panic kicks in.
My method of coping is close to denial; I have no solution, so I’m not going to dwell on the problem—I’ll just block it out, pretend it doesn’t exist. For my husband, I know the weight of our money problems rests heavily on his shoulders, pulling him down with worry.
Because of our tight financial spot, I can no longer afford the medications I need, not even close. I’m looking into every possibility—prescription discount cards, affordable insurance, help from the drug companies—but there is no easy fix, and I am the worse for wear right now.
As I struggle to handle my OCD and depression on my own, my edges become a little more ragged, my patience wears a little more thinly. It is putting a strain on my marriage, especially now with other things to worry about. The last thing I want to do is cause my husband more grief, more pain.
In the middle of everything, I find myself looking upward, wondering what we’ve done or haven’t to deserve this.
Why has God put us on this path? Why are we faltering? I find myself angry with Him, questioning what His plan could be, that it would need to involve so much heartache and disaster. I need somewhere to point the blame, and it lands on the Lord.
Still, even in my anger and even through my doubts, I am able to find my faith—my faith that while I may only ever see so in hindsight, God has never mislead me, or my husband and I as a couple. We’ve shared joys, disappointments, and things in between, and I’ve always been able to put the pieces together, to see the greater work He is doing.
I believe that in a way, my anger towards God shows the strength of my faith.
It is because I believe so strongly in Him and His doing that I feel this way. I trust Him completely, and while I may not like the moment we’re living in now, I believe that we will eventually see things coming together; we will understand the reason behind these trials and be better for it.
I am angry with God, but I believe in His goodness and I have faith in the path He is setting for us, even now. I know my anger will pass and He will forgive me and the weakness I have given into. Even in anger, my heart is still filled with love for the Lord, and I don’t doubt that he knows that.
Anger, along with many other emotions, exist in faith, and it’s okay. God sees us as we truly are, human and honest, and He loves us for it, always.
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