Eating Disorders

Dear ED (what do you want from me now?)


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Dear ED,

What do you want from me now?

I can sense your presence as you linger in the corner; I am on alert as you move closer towards me; chills run down my spine as I feel your breath on the back of my neck – what do you want from me now?

I can hear your voice whispering in my ear, echoing through my mind, drowning out the calm whispers of reason and truth. Yes, I can feel you creeping inside. What do you want from me now?

The door that I thought was closed tight is now set ajar – have you already slinked in? Or are you just testing me?


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I look around, and where there was light, now there is only darkness.

What do you want from me now?

Your presence is so familiar, and in my moment of weakness I take comfort in it. And then I remember the truth – the cries, the screams, the cuts, the aches and pains – I don’t want you back.

I don’t want you back because I am happy, because I am healthy, because I am free. I don’t want you back because I created a life for myself worth living, a life worth fighting for – and I will fight.

I will fight again. I will fight for as long as it takes. And I know I will win because deep down I know the truth. I know who you are and I know your games. I know all of your tricks and I won’t be sucked in. Not this time.

Not again…

And so I will fight.

Can’t you see that you are playing a losing game? I am no longer yours…

So why are you here? What do you want from me now?

Can’t you see? You will not win.

I know what I want – and it is not you.

I did what I promised – I fought, I conquered, I found freedom – and you can’t take that away.

So stop whispering, and screaming, and threatening and seducing. Your attempts fall on deaf ears.

I cannot hear you now. There is only truth.

I am moving towards the light where I am free…

 

Lauren is the Founder and Editor of Libero. She started Libero in April 2010, when she shared her story about her struggles with an eating disorder and depression. Now Lauren uses her writing and videos to advocate mental health and body positivity. In her spare time, she enjoys makeup artistry, playing Nintendo, and taking selfies with her furbaby, Zoey.

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The opinions and information shared in this article or any other Content on our site may not represent that of Libero Network Society. We hold no liability for any harm that may incur from reading content on our site. Please always consult your own medical professionals before making any changes to your medication, activities, or recovery process. Libero does not provide emergency support. If you are in crisis, please call 1-800-784-2433 or another helpline or 911.

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