The thing is, though, I have to be extremely careful on days like these where some factor causes me to slip back into a micro-depression. Basically what happened was that I have been suspended for 2 games and so this was my first game back. I had been looking forward to this game for a long time and was really excited. Unfortunately, I did not get to play for more than 10 minutes and every time I got on I made mistakes, after mistakes, after mistakes. Which was hard to get used to because I hate failing and letting people down.
After my ten minutes of game time I was put back in with 3 minutes left and the first thing I did was screw up. The coach took me out right away and I was extremely pissed off and distraught. I ended up leaving the Field because I was just frustrated about everything.
This is where my micro-depression started because I started beating myself up, getting angry and then what happened was I ended up just not wanting to do anything the rest of the day. I sat around and fixated upon everything that had happened and could not get my mind off of it. As I have mentioned before my mind is my worst enemy, it can easily control me and it is difficult for me to turn it off.
After a while of sitting around and waiting I ended up just not wanting to do anything, I just wanted to be alone and not talk to anyone. It was interesting; I started to fall into the old thing I used to do, which was wait and hope someone would message me. Luckily this time I noticed what I was doing and so I decided to text people. instead. But it was still a scary realization that maybe I have not conquered depression yet maybe the words I actually said are true… depression is not a small thing that passes quickly. It is rather a bigger thing that takes a long time to conquer.
Does this mean I have to live in fear of something setting off my depression? NO, not at all. Rather, this is something that I can learn from and grow through. I am able to recognize the issues when they are coming and take action against the oncoming feelings and to learn from the experience, like I did today. Sadly, it is not always my favorite lesson to learn but it is a lesson none the less.
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That is all I really wanted to share about today – that I am still struggling with depression from time to time but overall it is improving and that’s what matters. I am working through it and hopefully through this blog, and from sharing, I will be able to work through my struggles.
Thank you for the support for anyone who is reading this, thanks for the people who have commented and thanks for the people who have messaged or emailed me. You are the people helping me through this.
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