I was diagnosed with depression. It felt like it was always there, dormant until moving to a different city set it into motion. I was forced out of my comfort zone and had no friends. I was constantly bullied, called names, demeaned, beaten down.
However, the bullying didn’t just come from people in my school. It also came from myself.
I was called a fag, worthless, stupid, useless, that I should’ve stayed where I was from instead of moving.
I was left with no friends, no self-esteem. At twelve when the world has just begun to take on a different meaning, when you are starting to look at life through your own eyes rather than a video game, it left me very broken.
I was truly my own worst enemy.
It felt like the only thing I could do was fall deeper and deeper into a hole I dug myself.
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I would escape into the darkness of my room and read books glorifying depression and listen to music causing me think thoughts no one at any age should think of. With no support from friends – and since I fiercely hid my depression from my family – I was able to run rampant with no one but myself to keep me in check. It was the darkest time of my life.
However, by the grace of God I didn’t stay in this desolate place. It took me four years to finally choose to live. It wasn’t easy and took sacrifice, failures, and admission to get me to a place where I was merely surviving. Despite recovering being the hardest thing in my life, I do not regret it for a second. That was just a glimpse of what life was when I was depressed.
Life beyond recovery is so different.
After, life took on a whole new meaning. I decided that I wasn’t going to let my depression stay quiet. I wasn’t going to let the brand fall away without doing something to help others because I never ever want someone to suffer like I did. I know I can’t change the world, but if I can change one person’s world, then I will have accomplished something.
I get to write for Libero. It is a rewarding experience every day and there is so much positivity, support, and accountability. It really is a great outlet and group to be a part of and I am thankful every day for it.
Some of the things I do are similar to what I did when I was depressed. However, the way I enjoy them is drastically different.
I still love to read; it’s actually one of my outlets. However, I now read books that are life-giving. I love to read books that make me think and that challenges me to be a better person. The escape into a different world can be a relief, but I always remember life is better than any book I can read.
I also love music. Prior to my recovery, I would listen to self-deprecating music that left me feeling worse than I was before. Now, I love to listen to upbeat, happy, positive music when I’m studying, writing, or exercising. It can change my mood from the very first note. Listening to my favourite music is something I make sure I do every day.
Another trait I have kept is my selfishness. It seems strange to say, but I make sure I do things for myself. If I need a day of quiet and someone asks me to hang out, I will say no because I know it could drain me because I had a long day. If I want to get ice cream, I will go get some and indulge. Creating these small moments of selfishness really is vital and I believe it is healthy to do so every once in a while.
Beyond recovery, I get to smile often, laugh generously, and live wholly.
I can appreciate everything there is to life. I get to smile when I see the sun, be grateful for rainy days, and get excited to go for dinner with friends. Before, I wasn’t able to do that. I repeatedly romanticized my depression, the sadness, and my condition. Now I can romanticize my recovery. I can love people, help them get to a place where I am now and live with integrity. And I can say definitively the ability to help others is what makes it worth it no matter what comes my way.
Life beyond recovery is one where I can have a vibrant outlook on the future instead constantly tripping over my circumstances.
Although it feels like you will be broken forever, if you choose to recover those pieces will, with effort, come together.
And just like a mosaic, you will be even more beautiful than you were before.
Looking back, I never have regretted choosing to recover, and life beyond depression is like a permanent honeymoon. It will never end and you will constantly find more and more things to be happy about and make it worth every second you put into your recovery.
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The opinions and information shared in this article may not represent that of Libero Network Society. We hold no liability for any harm that may incur from reading content on our site. Please always consult your own medical professionals before making any changes to your medication, activities, or recovery process.