Finding Hope pt. 1

After my darkest day things became better but also became worse in some ways, too. Let’s start with where things became worse, I had lost all my motivation at this point and I know I have mentioned that before but seriously I want you to imagine this or just understand.

12-1am is NCIS
1am-2am in Bones
2-3am is House
3-4am in NCIS again
4-5:15am is Score morning

This was every night for me. At times I had even lost the motivation to eat. As scary as that is, I lost a considerable amount of weight during this depression. I lived off approximately 300$ in food for 4 months that includes eating out I would tentatively say I was eating next to nothing all the time. This is how low my motivation got it got to the point where I did have motivation to sleep or even to get out of bed to go to classes.

I looked retrospectively and can only imagine what my room-mates thought when they would wake up at 8am and see me passed out on the couch almost every day.

My insomnia also at this point hit an extreme high (or low depending on how you look at it). I would lay in bed for HOURS on end just trying and praying that I could get to sleep. You know your insomnia is bad when you begin to debate if it is worth getting up at watching TV for a few hours or to sit and wait for a few more and hope you fall asleep! My insomnia was getting worse at this point and had no signs of improvements.

This next part is going to be the most shocking thing in this blog today... that hardest thing about getting better for me was admitting that I was in fact depressed, telling my close friends, telling my family, and even telling my counselor was incredibly hard. The reason I think this might be shocking is because you’re reading this now, but 3 months ago I was terrified to open up to anyone about my life and my struggles.

I was just starting to open up at this point and I have to say that it is unbelievably rewarding the first time you tell your friend a secret like this- it just changes you and your whole situation. I challenge anyone who is reading this that if you are still holding your struggles inside, share them! You do not need to tell the world but tell someone! It is the first step to improvement. Being open about my life finally has allowed me to accept my past, understand it and work though it.

This was the first step of ‘hope’ for me that is the reason I am naming this part HOPE because honestly that was all that I had left to live for was this hope of something better, a hope of change coming, and hope of transformation.

The last part is the joy of getting help and acknowledging hope. So I leave you with this: if there is something you are struggling with share it with someone close to you, seek help and support through this and above all do not lose hope, know that you are not alone in your struggle, someone else around you is, has gone or will go through the same thing.

Christian Sawka

Christian struggled through and recovered from depression. He likes to write so others can hear his story and know there is hope. His goal is that through sharing, people will be able to see their story within his own.