I have been super fearful about sharing this next part about my depression because it is still the most painful wound. It was probably one of the hardest days that I have had to go through where I actually felt 100% alone that there was no one to turn to, that there was absolutely no one to talk to at all.
I am going to be talking about the time my depression hit its lowest point – the night I came the closest to taking my life.
As I talked about in my last post about depression I mention that my thoughts had started to control my mind and I was completely unable to focus on anything else. I talked about a soccer game where I could not even play because my mind was fixated on ‘stuff.’
Well my mind that night was fixated on whether life itself was worth living. It was the scariest point of my life.
I sat there hoping that someone would care, someone would talk to me and God would even feel remotely close.
Nothing happened after my soccer game; I helped my friend out with some stuff and then afterwards I sat there in my car in tears wondering if anyone would care if I was gone, would I even be missed, and is there a point to continuing on.
I believe that night I texted 5-6 people and only one person responded. Sadly it had been someone I had treated poorly and the level of connection was not as close as I’d hoped but it was enough inspiration to get me home. I drove home texting, wondering and just trying to get my mind off things.
When I got home I sat there on our couch feeling hopeless and in many ways, lifeless.
My mind was fixated on this discussion as to whether life was worth living.
I sat there for what seemed like weeks. Time moved by so slow, in actuality it was only 6 hours but I sat there for six hours debating if there was a reason to continue on with this burden and pain.
I lived in a house with 4 other guys and I was just sitting hoping one would come home and just recognize in my face that something was seriously wrong. There was nothing. I sat there all night hoping and losing hope all the while.
When you get to this point all you have left is hope because your logical side kicks in and for me it began to justify taking my life.
Let you take me through my thought process, it went something like this:
What do you have to live for?
Well my friends, my family, and all the things I am involved in.
Well where are they now?
Well my friends are busy…. well my family is still there and well I could be replaced
What is the the point in continuing this pain?
Well there is hope, someone will get back to me someone will care….
That it what it was like for me to go through the debate of suicide. To this day I flinch when I hear that word or I even hear people talk about it.
You have no idea how real it is until it is your life. Until you are the one going through it.
Now, there is a happy ending at least. I mean I am still here to write about it right? Sadly there was one lower point I got to, which was actually getting off the couch and going towards the kitchen.
I stood there and waited, I got scared, and I got nervous. More than anything, I sat there and debated more and more as to why I should.
You know you have to be careful when you start debating why you should do something like this instead of why you should not. I got so close that I started to convince myself that I should just do, that I should stop being so scared and that I did not even have the guts to follow through with something..
I had successfully convinced myself that there was no point in continuing life itself.
I really hope anyone who is reading this has never felt that feeling and will never feel that feeling. It is not a place I wish upon anyone.
When you lose all your hope what is actually left to carry on? When you sit there any are convinced God is not there for you? that your friends do not care about you? that nothing is important enough to say around for and you lose all your hope…? What is left?
Somehow I made the decision not to, though, I still do not know to this day what stopped me. Maybe for once being a little bit fearful was not such a bad thing. Maybe being scared of the unknown actually did scare me back to life.
All I know is that after that day things started to get better, things started to improve.
My challenge for you is this: make sure to really ask the people around you how they are doing. Do not overlook stuff or pass it off as nothing;you never know what could be really going on.