I am going to talk about the second phase in my depression. This was after I first noticed my life was heading in the wrong direction. As mentioned in my previous post about the crashing and the burning ,this would be considered the moment right before impact.
For a little background into it: I was trying to fix everything I had done wrong, trying to make everything right, and trying to do it all by myself day after day.
This is when things went into over-drive and I really began to see how deep in crap I actually was, and I began taking one step forward and three steps back.
At this point I was being told from College Pro that I owed close to $3,000 on top of whatever charges they decided I was still to owe. My parents knew nothing that was going on because “Everything was great!” – Great, right?
In reality, I was beginning to lose all the enjoyment I was getting out at life.
Everyday I would push myself to do more and more, and I always felt like I was just messing up and ruining everyone else’s lives in the process. I kept trying to have a positive influence on people and to ‘make a difference’, thinking that would make me feel better about what was going on with me. Sadly, this did not work, and that made me even more depressed.
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I asked myself over and over: “Why am I not doing anything right?” “How come no matter what I do everything gets worse?” – This was my battle each day as I began questioning where I was going and whether there was even a point to any of it.
I always had these expectations of people – that for some reason they should know that my life was going down the tubes (even though I wasn’t admitting it to them). I mentioned before about waiting for people to notice how I was feeling without showing any signs.
But if there is anything I can tell you, it’s that you are not the only one that has gone through this.
I remember the first day I was able to share with people that I was depressed and was on anti-depressants; it was such a freeing feeling to FINALLY share what I was going through! And it shocked me how many people, in return, opened up with me and told me that they had gone through something similar and that I was not alone.
Shocking eh? I was not alone in depression. Up until this point only about three people knew there was actually something going on in my life. This was my biggest downfall – because how could you expect people to be there for you if you when you don’t actually tell them you need them?
I was always taught that tough situations are only good if you learn something from them.
Now as I look back on my battle through depression, I am starting to see the lessons I learned. The most important thing I learnt is that you have to be open for people to be open with you – you need to tell people you’re going through tough times (including your family).
So if anyone is reading this (and hopefully its more than just my mom!) and you are going through some tough times, take the time to tell someone – you won’t regret it! You are not alone.
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