This is a letter that I wrote to my body and it is long overdue…
I am sorry for the first time I blamed you for the attention I wanted from him but didn’t get.
I am sorry for the first time I walked into the gym with a new purpose: to defeat you.
I am sorry for the first time I denied you food, and the second, and the third…
I am sorry for comparing you to other bodies and feeling that you didn’t measure up.
I am sorry for the hours I spent in front of the mirror cursing you, and for incessantly pinching and squeezing you in a rebellion of the parts of you I didn’t like and that I wanted to go away.
I remember barely having enough energy to make it until the afternoon without falling asleep from lack of energy and yet still denying you nourishment, and I apologize.
I remember punishing you in the gym until we’d fall into a pile on the floor, crying out in pain and fatigue…and I am sorry.
I am sorry for calling you names: fat, ugly, pale, dis-proportioned…
I am sorry for yelling and screaming at you in disgust as I threw all of my pain and anger back at you.
I am sorry for not accepting you when you were simply being what God made you.
I am sorry for not standing up for you when others put you down.
And for letting strangers touch you, have a part of you, I am sorry.
I am sorry for the times I used my nails or a blade to cut you – I know now that the blood lost from that will never be regained.
I am sorry for forcing you into clothes that were too small because I couldn’t accept you for the size you were.
I am sorry for stuffing you full of food until you were left immobile and in pain…over and over again.
For the innumerable times I used my finger or a toothbrush to purge you of the food I made you eat – I am sorry.
And for blaming you for every love lost, I apologize.
But most of all, I am sorry for the lost time; for the time spent apart, absent from life, when we could have been enjoying it together.
We can never get that time back, but one thing we can do is make the most of the time we do have, and so I want to make you some promises –
I promise to feed you and nourish you to the extent (and no more) that you need. I promise to rebuild your strength with exercise that is not aimed at harming you. I promise to respect you and not give you away to the hands of just anybody. I promise to not glare at you in the mirror or poke and pinch at you in disgust.
But most importantly, I promise to love you because you are beautiful and you deserve it.
This is my pledge to you.
I will not turn back.
Have you done some things your body may deserve an apology for? Let it know, make a promise to take care of it, to love it, because you are beautiful and you deserve it!
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